I'm Speechless

This is not a joke. I repeat, this is not a joke. They really are selling Chia Obamas - and you can get them with the facial expressions of "happy" or "determined". I'm not quite sure whether to laugh, cry, shake my head in disbelief, boycott the chia company (which I already do as a matter of fact), boycott television for even running the ridiculous ad, or resort to heavy drinking in order to attempt to forget that I live in a country where people are so ridiculous that they would even consider selling this product - let alone follow through with selling it. Or even worse, let's not forget that some people actually buy this thing - yes they spend their hard-earned money on it. Or maybe people are buying it with the money they get back from the taxes that they didn't pay. I'm guessing that fantastic trinkets like this are the reason why they're poor. I would give you the website to go see it for yourself but, (1) refer to my boycott of the chia company, and (2) I think you could find it on your own if you really try hard enough.

Two Years

Two years ago I stepped onto the campus of A.T. Still University for the first time. A week of orientation started it off and then we hit the ground running with a blur of information being thrown at us week after week. For two years I drove 30 miles to school every morning and 30 miles back at the end of the day. For two years I spent the majority of my time reading and studying the human body and all that can go wrong with it and how to fix it. For two years I spent full days (sometimes 8-10 hour days) at school in classes only to come home and spend my nights on the computer studying. For two years I endured a constant stream of tests, quizzes, and projects. I spent two years in a constant state of stress, focused on surviving to the next quarter in the curriculum. Then after two years, I got my white doctor's coat symbolizing that I was in the last stage of my curriculum and about to enter the profession. After two years, I closed my computer, packed my stuff, walked out of the building, walked out to the parking lot, and drove off campus for the last time. After two years of graduate school and six years of college in total I said goodbye to the classroom. Now I step into the world of clinicals where I test how much information I actually retained and will work to put that knowledge to use toward trying to heal people. Now in one year, I will drop the title of Mr. Palmer and will adopt the title of Dr. Palmer.

It was a strange feeling on Thursday when we ended our last formal class at A.T. Still University. Everyone closed their laptops, stood up, packed their stuff, and looked around as if they weren't quite sure what to think or say. We were done. It was as if after two years of being submerged under water we got to come up and breathe fresh air for the first time. After all that time of having our heads down and fighting to survive in the program we all finally got to look up and realize that just as quickly as it had started, it was now over.

Words can't fully express what those two years meant to me. They were the hardest and most trying two years of my life. They challenged me and broke me in every way possible. To be done with those years is the biggest relief I have ever experienced. I never have to step foot in a classroom for a formal class again.

How Cool is That!

A month ago, my work started a contest between servers for who could sell the most Widmer Hefeweisen (it's a beer). The prize - a Widmer snowboard. Usually when my work has had competitions I really haven't cared, mostly because there's always someone more gungho (is that how you spell it?) than I am and I usually end up doing all the work for nothing. This time, I decided that I really wanted the snowboard though. Maybe the prize was just good enough this time to entice me. The contest was about a month long and last weekend I asked my manager who was in the lead of the contest. Now I only work 2 nights per week, so I didn't really expect to win this contest, but to my surprise, I was the leader. Then this weekend it was confirmed, I won! So I got the snowboard. It's a really good-looking snowboard as you can see, but we figured it was just kind of a cheap one. That's why they're giving it away, right? Well today I decided to try to find it online and see what it really goes for. I was very surprised at what I found. It sells for $275 because it's a custom snowboard from a company called Revolution Snowboards in Utah. They're a big company in the snowboard industry and they have one of the largest and most high-tech factories in the US for snowboards. So that made it even more special for me. So that's my excitement this weekend that I wish to share with everyone.

Raider Nation

It's true. . .I've been recruited. Not as a fan. . .that's a little extreme for my taste. Sorry Greg. A couple months ago, I was approached by my professors with the opportunity to go to Napa Valley for Raider's Training Camp to be a medical intern. My Professor specifically picked me and one of my friends as being the two best for this opportunity. My friend turned it down, so it was given to me. Being a five-week commitment, I was very hesitant to accept and I had to talk to my wife about it, but in the end, we both agreed that though it would be tough to be apart from each other for that long, it would be too good of an opportunity for me to pass up. It will look amazing on my resume, and it would overall be an awesome learning opportunity. This would also serve as a chance for us to see how we would react to being apart from each other for such a long time. I want to work in Major League Baseball, and that would take me away from home for a couple weeks at a time. Out of a year, I would be out of town for 4 or 5 months. We know that the MLB season schedule isn't easy and this would be a great way to see what happens and if we can handle it. So on July 26th I will fly out to Oakland and Napa Valley. I will be at Training Camp in Napa Valley for 3-4 weeks. Then I will be on the sidelines with the team for the first 3 preseason games. 2 of them are in Oakland and 1 is in San Francisco. Then I'll be flying back on August 30th, and will start my first PT clinical the next day. It's exciting and I'm looking forward to the opportunity, but at the same time it's a new scene for me and I don't really know what to expect. But either way, on Monday July 27th, I'll be in the Training Room at 6:15 AM getting the team ready to start camp.

At The End of 2 Years

June 9th was the date of our 2nd anniversary. Natalie was in charge of our morning activities and I was in charge of our afternoon and night activities. Natalie surprised me with breakfast at our favorite Mimi's Cafe, some time at the driving range, and a 1-hour massage. I surprised her with a night at the Hyatt Regency in Scottsdale. We checked in early, relaxed by the pool, then got ready for our dinner reservations at Alto Restaurante, which is a fine italian restaurant that is famous there at the hotel. Included after the meal, was a gondola ride through the lake that surrounds the resort. We finished off the night with a walk around the resort, talking about our years together and we enjoyed a beautiful night on the lounge chairs on our top floor balcony, overlooking the lakes and golf course. It was a great night. And yes it was nice to be at a resort, and have a nice italian dinner, and gondola rides and all of that, but the best part was being with my wife - having her by my side. I married an incredible woman and I find out more and more every day just how wonderful she truly is. This past year has come with many challenges, but all of these challenges have brought us closer together and have made me realize just how strong and how supportive she really is and just how much I love her. Through our struggles she showed me how strong she can be for me and how she can hold me up when I can't seem to do it on my own. Through everything that happened, I never really felt at peace unless she was there by my side. Whenever she was around I could feel a part of me relax, and I felt more like it was going to be ok - because she was there with me. She is my favorite person to be with and the only one that I truly am relaxed around. My love for her grows more and more all the time. The pastor that we heard last week at church talked about how your capacity for love grows over time. This has been true with her. I never knew just how much I could love another person, but my love for her continues to grow all the time. She truly is my best friend. I hope that every year doesn't challenge us in quite the same way that this one has, but I know that when these hard times arise, we'll always meet them and get through them together, and as long as we're together, everything will be alright.

Are women born this way?

This little girl is hilarious. I kinda feel bad for the parents if she does this all the time.

I'm free! I'm free!

I always loved this old man from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's also about how I feel every time I finish a quarter. "I'm free! I'm free!" After a short week-long break I find myself in another 8 AM class. . ."Dangit!" But either way I am done with my last full quarter of classroom work in my doctorate program. I have a week off and then I go back for only 2 weeks of classes and then I'm off for a 3-week summer break before heading out to Napa Valley for training camp. I'll have more on that in another blog. When I come back from Napa Valley/Oakland, I start into my clinicals. What a breath of fresh air! It's such sweet relief to be done, especially after all that has happened this quarter. It has been the hardest quarter yet for me to focus on my work and do a good job, yet so far it somehow looks like I'll be receiving my best grades yet. Only God knows how that happened because He's the one that carried me through it. There's no other explanation for how I got through the hard times that I've recently encountered. But now it's behind me and i'm done. And that means more time to write blogs. I've had a lot that I've been waiting to get off my chest.

An Update for Now

I realize that I haven't written anything since my story of what happened. I won't get into detail, but the time following that has not been fun. I'm still battling with my syptoms while at the same time still going to grad school full time and working on the weekends. Sometimes the symptoms are better and it is easier for me to handle. Sometimes my symptoms are worse and take a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional energy. I have times of high anxiety and times where this seems to take over my life. I then get brief moments of relaxation that I see as truly being gifts. It took a couple of weeks to sort out what the next step is, but now starting tomorrow, more diagnostic tests will resume. On Wednesday I'm going in for an ultrasound of the arteries in my neck to make sure that they are ok. On Thursday I will be going to a cardiologist to make sure that none of the symptoms are coming from my heart. In the mean time, one of the neurosurgeons at Phoenix Children's Hospital that we were able to contact through a friend has looked at my MRI's and is currently giving his time on the side to helping me determine what my next move should be. I'm extremely grateful that my road to diagnosis seems to be going faster now and I hope to get answers soon. As for now I still have none and the frustration grows by the day. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can get it taken care of and I can get on with my life. For those praying for me, please pray that God will continue to protect me until this is figured out and that the doctors will have wisdom and insight as to what is happening. I will post more updates as I have them. I hope I will know something soon.

Are You Sitting Down?

"I got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took my breath away
She said she didn't believe It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees"

Thursday afternoon I was driving home from class. Driving 70 MPH in the HOV, I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. By the time I got over a few lanes, the feeling passed, but my heart rate was really high and I still didn't feel right. I called my doctor and asked if I could get in, explaining what had just happened. After hearing my story, they said to go straight to the ER if I was still having the symptoms, or if I was feeling better to drive straight to their office. I went to their office and they did a thorough examination. EKG was normal...fast...but normal. They ordered a brain MRI just to be safe.

Friday morning I got up early and felt good. I went to get my blood drawn and I called the imaging place to get my MRI scheduled. They had an opening at 12 so I took it, wanting to figure out what was wrong as soon as possible. Everything was normal for the first 20 minutes of the test. After completing the last set of images, the usually calm technician's voice came on over the headphones with some urgency in it. "Shaun, you need to keep your head and spine completely still. We're going to pull you out, inject contrast into your vein and then do the images again." My heart instantly started racing. I knew what that meant. They found something. Contrast is a dye that they inject into the veins that appears a certain way on MRI, illuminating areas for the radiologist to more easily see structures. I knew that contrast was not on the original MRI order. As soon as he slid me out of the MRI machine I frantically asked him what was wrong. What did the radiologist see? "I can't tell you anything. All I can tell you is that the radiologist who is responsible for reading these has asked for it." I was shaking with fear. I had already needed one blanket because the room was cold, but now even with a second blanket I was trembling uncontrollably. The MRI tech was silent. He just put the second blanket on and patted my leg. He didn't know what to say. It was so hard to stay still for the next set of images. When it was over, I went home and laid down on the couch with Natalie to watch TV and settle down.
About 2 hours after getting home the phone rang. It was my doctor. Just like the MRI technician, she had a distinct tone in her voice that told me that this was not a reassuring phone call.

"Did Dr. Hoffman, the radiologist, call you yet?" she said.
"No"
"Are you sitting down?"

There are few sentences that carry the assumption that whatever is said next would be life-altering. This is one of those sentences. In the second it took her to start her next sentence, my mind raced with everything it could possibly be and the course of treatment and fears that would fall in line for every different thing she could say.

"You have a mass in your brain. It's pretty big...and you're gonna need to see a neurosurgeon on Monday because it's probably going to need to be taken out."

My heart has never dropped so hard, so fast in my life. I was imagining a life different from what I had ever before thought. A world of unpayable medical bills, surgeries, the constant fear of death and leaving my beautiful wife and my family behind. Natalie's eyes were already filled with tears. She heard "brain mass". She got up and walked across the room, letting her emotions out where they wouldn't detract from me listening to what I was being told. While the doctor continued to tell me about the situation all I could do was hurt...not just for me, but for Natalie too. We're so young. We haven't even been married 2 years. This isn't supposed to happen to us. The life we imagined together doesn't look like this. I hung up the phone and Natalie could barely get the questions out, "So you have a mass in your brain? What else did she say?" We hugged and cried together for a minute. Then I had to go get the fax of the MRI report from the front office of our apartment complex. Natalie called her mom immediately to talk and pray. I called my mom as I walked out of my townhome. How do you start a conversation that carries the meaning of this one? How do you tell your own mom news of this magnitude? I said the only thing that came to mind.

"Mom. . .Are you sitting down?"

I quickly explained to her everything that I knew at that time before I got the MRI report. When I got the report I called the doctor back.

"What do I do now? What doctor do I need to talk to on Monday?"
"We don't know exactly. We're thinking maybe Dr. White at Barrow's Neurological Associates. If you feel any tingling or numbness in your extremities or any other weird sensations, go to Barrow's ER immediatedly. That's all we know."

That's what I was left with for the weekend. Only the fact that I had a mass in my brain that needed to be taken out and the name of a surgeon that may or may not be able to help me. All I could think of was how ironic it was that our church was going through a series called, "Live Like You Were Dying." I think I need to take it to heart. This might be true for me.

Our families and friends were so amazing. Within hours after receiving the news, my brother came over to see us, Natalie's whole family brought us dinner and spent time with us, and my parents drove up from Tucson to stay until we found out what the treatment would be. From that point on we were flooded with love, support, and prayer from family, friends, and people we didn't even know. We kept learning about different prayer chains that we were on and people kept offering to help with anything and everything. My wife and I have never felt so loved in our lives. We felt truly encouraged and strengthened through all the support we got. We couldn't imagine having better families or friends. It's just not possible.

Even with all the support, that weekend was the worst of my life. I couldn't eat. I could barely sleep. I was more scared than I had ever been before. All I knew about this thing in my head was what I could find online, which wasn't too assuring. I got to see a surgery on youtube, and read about all the surgical techniques that were available. My mind continually messed with me for days, thinking that I was suddenly feeling something different in this leg or that arm or feeling suddenly lightheaded.

Saturday morning, Natalie and I both woke up in tears. We were both lost and scared, having no clue what to expect next or what was going to happen to me. We got the Bible and looked at each other. Where do we start? For Christmas my parents got me a ring. On one side it said "Fear Not." On the other side was a Bible verse - Isaiah 41:10. "Fear Not for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. . .For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Little did I know back at Christmas what this ring and its message would mean to me - both now and for the rest of my life.

I couldn't wait to get to Sunday. I knew it would put me at ease to go to church and pray with our pastor. I wasn't prepared for what happened that day though. When we were talking to Pastor Greg after the service, he asked what the name of the surgeon was who we were told about. I told him and we went on praying and talking about the situation. A couple hours later he called me.

"Shaun, guess what? After I talked to you I talked to our drummer and told him about your situation for him to be praying. He asked who the name of your surgeon was. When I told him it was Dr. White he said that his wife was the personal trainer for Dr. White and his wife. She's going to call them tonight and ask if they can get you in as soon as possible."

I was speechless and in tears. What are the odds of this happening? It was clear that God was giving me a reminder that He is in control and He knows what's happening. He's there and He's going to show me through this. A couple hours later Pastor Greg called me again and told me that the lady had already talked to the surgeon and he promised to see me as soon as possible, and they gave me information on how to contact them immediately Monday morning. They would be expecting me. After that, Natalie and I went out to dinner at Cheesecake Factory to get out and be with each other and try to get our minds off of everything. For the first time since Friday before we got the news, we both had an appetite. We could feel God moving and it brought about His peace that transcends all understanding.

The next morning I called the office and just like the doctor said, his secretary knew about the situation and told me to get the MRI's and come down to Barrow's as soon as possible so that they could see me. Without an appointment and without taking any of my information the doctor looked at my MRI's and met with me to tell me that it wasn't an emergency situation and it may not even need surgery. However, he was not an expert on this type of mass. He referred me to another neurosurgeon in there that would know all of the answers. He passed all of my MRI's and reports on to her and let her know that he was referring a patient to her that day. However, she was in surgery and none of her staff was in the office until Tuesday. Honestly, all of this news took away some of my confidence. Why would God lead me through that weekend with all that happened and those people that knew Dr. White and got me in with him when he couldn't even help me? The road was taking a turn that I hadn't expected. I had to keep my spirits up that I still got to see the neurosurgeon for free and he assured us that it wasn't an emergency.

The next day (Tuesday) I called first thing in the morning and her secretary said that she would call me as soon as the doctor looked at the MRI and had any news for me. Until then I needed to get the reports from the CT scan that I had as a child that showed a dark spot in the same area of my head. Those would help the doctor make a final decision. They called back later that day and said that it didn't look like I needed surgery, but they still needed to see the reports from when I was a kid to know for sure. Those would not reach Phoenix until Wednesday morning.

Going through this whole process was agonizing. Every day that it was delayed was torcher. Every day consisted of me waking up by 6:00 or 6:30, worrying about what that day was going to bring. I would never be able to go back to sleep after I woke up with those thoughts. I would lay in bed for at least another hour, hoping to be able to get back to sleep for just a little while longer. Then I would get up and go work out, trying to get my mind off of what would happen that day and try to make the time go faster. After working out, I would try to eat breakfast, but food was nauseating to me. I could never get much down. Then I would just sit and wait until we heard from the doctor's office. We just wanted to know for sure what was going to happen. Is that too much to ask?

Lifehouse just released a new song that I found during the week. It's words were very close to what I thought and felt.

"The broken clock is a comfort. It helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart, that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you."

Most of Wednesday was spent waiting for the doctor to call with her final decision. Until then we just waited around, hoping to get in to see her and ask all of our questions as soon as we heard anything. Natalie was at her nursing clinical. I couldn't stay home alone. I had too much on my mind. I went to Paradise Bakery to try to get some food down and have distractions around me. The doctor's office called at 9:30 to tell me that they had all the reports and they would call back as soon as they knew anything. Hours past. Not yet being able to go home, I walked around the Biltmore Plaza, praying and talking to family on the phone. Not knowing what the doctor's decision would be, my mind kept racing through the possibility that she would change her mind about surgery. I kept seeing the image of the surgical sheet draped over me, only exposing the incision sites. It was now 11:30. Why is she taking so long? Is she getting opinions from other doctors? Is she mulling over the decision? I couldn't stay at the Biltmore all day. I had no choice but to return home. I didn't want to go, but I really didn't have any other choice. 1:30 and still no word. I couldn't take it any more. I called them to get an answer. Her secretary was always extremely understanding and helpful. Oh I was so grateful for the secretaries of the 2 surgeons that I had to talk to that week. They were both so nice and understanding. I think they understood who they were mostly dealing with. They deal with people who are scared. I think scared is a gross understatement. They have been shaken to their core. Some of them have been demoralized by the bad news that they've recently been given and they are turning to an option that they had always hoped not to resort to - brain surgery. She put me on hold and went to ask the surgeon immediately. She didn't take long. The doctor had made her final decision. No surgery was needed, but they would be happy to meet with us to discuss any questions that we had. Finally, I could take a deep breath and let out all of the fear of surgery and of the unknown.

Thursday we got to talk to the neurosurgeon and ask all of our questions. Basically we just wanted to know the basics of what was in my head. We hadn't yet gotten to talk to anyone since the diagnosis. No one explained to us exactly what this is and what the MRI report was fully talking about. I had only relied on my own medical knowledge at this point to understand everything about the report. This thing is either called an arachnoid cyst or a Dandy-Walker cyst. They can't tell by MRI exactly which one it is. I think it's an arachnoid cyst though. So that's the one I'll explain.

Both options are congenital, meaning I was born with it. There are 3 layers of connective tissue that cover your brain and spinal chord. The dura mater is the tough outer layer, the arachnoid mater is the the middle layer, and the pia mater is the inner layer that adheres directly to the brain. An arachnoid cyst forms when the arachnoid mater and the pia mater split apart at some point and fills with CSF (the fluid that encases your brain and spinal chord). These grow in places where they connect with one of the ventricles of your brain, which is where the CSF is produced and stored. Mine connects with the 4th ventricle. It sits in the back base of my skull on the right side, behind my right cerebellum. It is 5.9 x 6.3 x 8.0 cm. Yes that is a big one. Thankfully it has grown in proportion to me and my brain has adapted. My cerebellum is much smaller on the right side because it didn't have room to grow. So either my left cerebellum took over all of the functions the right one was supposed to have, or my right cerebellum is extremely concentrated with neurons. I'm sure you're wondering why something that big doesn't need surgery. That's the first thing I wanted to know. The neurosurgeon explained that there is still adequate spacing between the different compartments of my brain. Yes it's large, but it's not pushing on any other structures or causing any problems. My brain just grew like nothing was wrong and adapted to the room it was given.

I will have a yearly brain MRI to be sure that it isn't growing, but the doctor said that the chances of it growing and causing a problem that will require surgery are slim. Almost exactly one week from the time that I arrived at my physicians office after having an anxiety attack on the freeway, I was now walking out of the neurosurgeon's office. And it was finally over.

Now God doesn't bring us through situations like this for nothing. He uses these times to talk to us and teach us what we've either forgotten or have not yet learned either because we weren't ready before now, or because we weren't listening. He never brings challenges our way until we are capabale of dealing with them and we are ready to learn from them. I was ready and I took with me some lessons that I will never forget.


"Sometimes I get so tired
Just trying to find a place
To lay my head
I look up to the sky
I feel the warmest light comfort me
I've seen the great heights
Reminding me... that I'm alive
I don't wanna die
I don't wanna waste another day,Or night
I know there's something more
Than what we're living for
I see it in the stars
I feel it on the shores
I know there's something
I know there's something more."

*Song lyrics borrowed from:
-Mat Kearney "Closer to Love"
-Lifehouse "Broken"
-Tyrone Wells "More"

My Update

Oh boy, where have I been? Good question. School and work. I know, you were hoping for something more exciting than that. Sorry. I wish I could tell you something better than that. Life has been as unpredictable as usual. My wife and I went to San Diego in mid March with my family for spring break. Upon returning we found out that Fox Sports Grill in Glendale (where I've bartended for the last 2 years) would be closing at the end of the month. So I had 2 weeks to figure out what to do. That was a bit unsettling because I had this wonderful little plan of continuing to work there for the next 10 months until it was time for me to quit the restaurant business and begin my last clinical internship with the Milwaukee Brewers. Thankfully the Fox Sports Grill in Scottsdale (where my wife works) allowed me to transfer over there to be a server. I much prefer and enjoy bartending, but it's a job. I can't complain. And I've been wanting to get out of Glendale for some time. This provided me with a neat little opportunity to make the move. So it was a mixed blessing.

Meanwhile in school I am now in my last full quarter of classroom work in my doctorate program. I'm actually already in week 5 of 12 for the quarter. It's going by really fast. I'm extremely excited to get through this quarter and start my clinicals as then I might actually start to feel like a healthcare professional...instead of a student. Either way, it's getting closer to August 7, 2010. Then I'm free. Just as a fair warning, from August 7, 2010 to September 7, 2010 I will be requiring everyone to refer to me as Doctor. I think after all these years of school I can ask for 1 month of this. If you wish to continue this after September 7th, feel free. After all, I will be a doctor.